HealingHQ.com chats with renowned counselor and author David Ambrose about happiness and “selfishness”

Whether it’s a bigger house, fancier car or thinner body, today we are bombarded with countless images that promise happiness from the outside. But does any of it inspire true inner bliss? David Ambrose answers the question with a resounding NO in his book, Your Life Manual: Practical Steps to Genuine Happiness. A certified hypnotherapist, counselor and life coach, David reveals the ways in which we sabotage our own happiness and how we can break those bad habits. He recently chatted with us from his home in Canada.

You’re a certified hypnotherapist and counselor. What is the #1 habit or negative pattern that people come to see you for?
The most common habit people seek help with is smoking cessation. This is partly because hypnosis provides a high success rate for people who really want to stop smoking without drugs, craving or significant discomfort. Having said that, although few people came to see me specifically for it, a negative pattern that probably underlies every complaint is that of inadequacy, low self-esteem, not being good enough…call it what you will. This is the main reason I often tell people that there is no one who would not benefit from hypnotherapy.

Tell me about your latest venture, the “Happiness Minute.”
I am very excited about the Happiness Minute! In modern life, because there is so much going on and so many demands for our attention, it is difficult to keep our focus on anything that is not urgently demanding. The Happiness Minute reminds us about happiness and provides food for thought at the same time.

The way it works is people go to www.HappinessMinute.com and sign up to receive a weekly “audio postcard” from me. They will then receive an email each week with a link to a web page, which contains a recorded audio message from me. Each week we cover a different subject related to personal happiness. The messages are about a minute long, and the page also includes a link to a transcript of the recording that can be printed out for later reference. The idea is for folks to think about and question some aspect of happiness as it relates to them at least once a week for a year. Hence my challenge: “Give me just 60 seconds a week.”

Because of these weekly reminders, we also start finding ourselves developing a “happiness habit.” Habits are built through repetition and reminders. It continues to remind us that we (and our happiness) are important; that we can take charge of our lives. If it weren’t free, I would offer a money back guarantee!

Why do you think happiness is so elusive? Do you think our Western culture is somehow unhappier than other cultures because of our heavy focus on material gain and physical perfection?
This is partly true, but in my view, these things are merely manifestations of the real problem. Whatever is bad in society, if we drill right down through all the layers, we get to the root cause of all unhappiness: fear. Fear is the cause of everything negative in the world today. This is a very deep subject, difficult to address properly in a few sentences.

Here is a simplistic example of what I mean. As we grow, we develop a fear of not fitting in, a fear of being ostracized, of being “found out.” In order to convince ourselves and others that we really do fit in, we focus on outside things – material goods, appearance, wealth, prestige, and so on. This escalates and because the root problem (our fear) is not being addressed, we only get a fleeting impression of joy, so we get caught up in a never-ending cycle. We invest so much of ourselves into these superficial things that we lose touch with our true feelings, burying the fear deeper and deeper.

This brief description merely scratches the surface. I could also talk about the downfall of community spirit, our quick-fix attitude towards problems, the effect of the media and other organizations on our ability to arrive at properly considered opinions, and a host of others, not to mention naked fear as we witnessed after 9/11. In the West we have allowed fear to invade almost every aspect of our lives. True happiness and fear cannot endure together. The degree to which we overcome – or come to terms with – our fear determines our potential for happiness.

Why does self-actualization lead to real, lasting happiness?
In the process of achieving our potential, we come to terms with who we really are. We realize that we have much to offer. Self-knowledge requires an inward focus rather than an outward focus. Happiness comes from inside. Self-actualization allows us to connect to the things that are really important in life – those things that enhance happiness. We feel free to express our views and creativity without fear of ridicule or alienation. Self-actualization is freedom from fear. Freedom from fear is conducive to happiness.

Most of us are taught to put others first. But you talk about “good selfishness.” Explain this idea.
Historically this is particularly true for women. It distresses me when I think of the good, the dreams, and ambitions that have been sacrificed for fear of being considered selfish. As long as we accept that another person is more important than we are merely because of their gender, position, wealth, or anything else, we will never reach our potential. It is good to help others, but we need to look after ourselves physically, emotionally and spiritually. You are important, and if you don’t look after yourself, you cannot expect anyone else to do so. This is Good Selfishness. Taking this a step further, if you don’t look after yourself you are not much use to anyone else either. Bad Selfishness is putting our own needs ahead of those of someone else for no reason other than personal gain. As in every part of life, we need to remember that balance is important.

There are so many books on achieving happiness. What led you to writing Your Life Manual: Practical Steps to Genuine Happiness? What makes it different than the rest?
Funny you should say this. Through my study of motivation and the mind, I realized that our happiness is the motivation behind absolutely everything we do. Working as a hypnotherapist and counselor, I started looking for a book I could recommend to folks after we had finished working on whatever had brought them to my door.

I wanted a non-technical, easy-to-read book that provided simple yet practical things the reader could do to help them along the road to happiness. It had to be something that did not require the reader to belong to any group or adhere to any cultural, religious, or philosophical doctrine or belief. Looking around, I could not find what I was seeking. Then someone suggested that I should just write the book myself. I had been writing my whole life, so I decided to follow that suggestion.

I have obviously not read all those other books, but I expect that where mine differs is by explaining in a conversational way what is behind many of the conditions that keep happiness at bay and then describing practical techniques to overcome them.

You’ve worked in so many different fields, from accounting to alternative healing and philosophy. What has your broad scope of experience taught you about spirituality and the human condition?
I would not presume to say that this is an absolute truth, but my assessment is that we are essentially spiritual beings on our way “back to the garden.” Or heaven, or nirvana, or… We have enormous potential – more than we realize – yet too many of us get diverted by one excess or another. My work and experience with others has provided a glimpse of the power we possess to achieve whatever we put our minds to. This brief glimpse fills me with wonder and hope. Fear is what keeps us from tapping into this potential on a global scale. When we all cast off that fear and are happily ready to die at any moment, we will be truly alive. We will soar! As Deepak Chopra says, “the possibilities are infinite.”

Where do you think humanity is headed?
Good question! I don’t have the answer though…My mind tells me that we are in a very dangerous time for humanity. At the same time, my heart tells me there is cause for great hope. There is an awakening occurring. I don’t think we have reached the point where anything is irreversible. Awareness is blooming. There is a louder chorus calling for accountability from those in power. At the risk of sounding political, to swing the balance we have to start making our voices heard. On a practical level, those who would take us down the path to destruction will listen if our voice is loud enough. Apathy will kill us. Change starts with one person and spreads like the tendrils reaching out from a clump of grass. Once critical mass is reached, change is inevitable.

For more information, visit www.YourLifeManual.com and www.HappinessMinute.com

Interview by Mar Yvette